A few years before my son was born and shortly after my cat Squeaky passed we got a feral cat named Miss Mochachinno. Mocha lived under the bed for the first year, then on the bed (only when we slept, then she crawled back under), and then evenutally she merged with the family and would sit near us and snore. She wasn't super affectionate and I only picked her up a handful of times. In the past few months her health has declined and she lost her eyesight, hearing and was using everything but the litter box to go pee. It was time.
In my job I help people come to terms with the death of a loved one, animal or human. So I am certain that they're always ok when they go, that they never get mad if we have to make the decision, and that they are usually looking forward to "going home." However, I have never watched a human or animal go through the process. Until today. I wasn't really sure how I was going to handle it and how it would affect me. Since it's only been a few hours, I can't really say I have those answers yet, but I do feel like I need to write some things out for me and so that I can explain to my 7 year old because I know he is going to have 1,000 questions. At least!
Yesterday I told her she was going to go to Kitty Heaven today. I told her I loved her very much, that we'd miss her, and that she'd be free and out of pain very soon. She started purring and rubbing on me like she used to do. Confirmation that they do in fact get excited. I'm glad I know this otherwise I would have been tempted to cancel the appointment because she appeared to be doing better. She was; there was light and hope in front of her. This morning I got up and told her that today was her day! She rarely interacts with the other cat, who is still a kitten who pesters her, or with Karma, the beagle pup. I was stunned when at the top of the stairs they all had a bit of a love fest. Casper gently rubbed against Mocha (not the tackle he usually tries to give her), and Mocha and Karma went nose to nose for a kiss. WHAT??? Yup. I knew it was all going to be ok.
My friend Claire came by in the am to say goodbye and I headed off to the vet with Mocha in a carrier next to me. She's always hated them and started crying. Then my waterworks turned on and by the time I got to the end of my road I was a mess. AND I had forgotten to bring tissues. Duh. I walked into the vet, started crying again. They are so lovely at Fryeburg Vet and they took care of the business end of it (I had no idea it cost that much money to help them get to heaven, holy smokes) and then put me in a private room with its own exit. Smart thinking and very considerate!
The vet knows what I do as a psychic, and I really was ok with what I was about to do. Still uncertain of how I was going to cope with it, though. We were talking about the process and the door opened. In walked my friend and colleage Kathy Cossette. What a relief!!!! I love that she came and having her there meant the world to me. She gets it. On all levels. We were all petting Mocha and I told her I was talking to her. Then it was time for the sedative. She sat up and over the course of maybe a minute her body started to relax and she laid down. Her eyes stayed open and I got down to her level and just rubbed her head and told her how much I loved her. I asked her to please say hi to my mom to me and that I'd love for her to visit but if she did not to spook me or Z. Her breathing slowed down so much that I thought she might actually cross right then.
Then it was time for the final injection. They shaved a little patch on her hind leg, positioned her on her side more and in it went. It seemed like only seconds and she crossed, leaving just her kitty shell of a body behind. You could tell when she was gone and as she died my legs got all tingly and I sensed a little shift. I thought it would be more profound, but it was time. I had surrounded her with light in my head and told her it was ok to go. Kathy was imagining a cat door to heaven opening up for her, so between the two of us I think it was probably quite simple for her to find her way. Not that they get lost.... but some think about staying if the owner is begging them to. She left peacefully.
I chose to have her creamated because of two reasons. One, my son is ridiculously curious and I could see him trying to dig her up years later to look at her skeleton. The other is I'm confident that her energy will be with me and I don't really need the body or even the ashes to feel comfortable with her being gone. I did ask for a paw print to be made so that Zach could always remember his first cat.
So now I have to pack and head to a dog show. I'm going to have a different perspective when I talk to people who've lost a pet. I think I've grown and know that on my ride to MA I'm bringing a box of tissues. I forgot to tell you that as I pulled out Kathy called to say I had a taillight out. I guess life does go on, huh?
Lots of love to you Miss Mocha. Enjoy your new life and thank you for being a part of ours.
Sara
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