So this is part 2 of my chatting with little Sara series. I'm doing this to help me better understand why I am the way I am and to let the old me be free of any limiting beliefs. I figured maybe you could tag along on this journey and perhaps do some healing yourself! Yesterday I chatted with Baby Sara, and today I'm chatting with my toddler self. Ready?
Dear Toddler Sara,
So... I see you trying to crawl around but you're wearing a beautiful red velvet dress with a white lace collar. Looks like you're getting tangled in it and it's flat out ticking you off! Funny. I've looked at the glass paperweight that has the image of you wearing this exact outfit, sitting in your toddler sized black rocking chair. You had some dried babys breath flower stems in your hands and were looking directly into the camera, but I never quite knew what you were thinking. I was told the story by both mom and dad about how much you HATED the dresses mom put you in because you weren't able to crawl with them on. I totally get that. Funny that I love skirts now, but I struggle with the feminine foofy side I know exists within me.
You know what else I remember when I was you? That stupid light pink canopy bed. Ugh. It was arched and was held in place by the dowls on top of the wooden four poster bed's posts. The bed was nice, although I really would have preferred bunks. I think I was the only person who was excited to get to college and get the top bunk! Ugh. Anyway. I think we may have been set up a bit to fail with the girly girl expectations. I don't really think it was done with any level of awareness or ill intent, but I think I understand why it's been a struggle for me to feel like I was the girl they wanted me to be. Sure, I'm very grateful I am a woman now. But with a mom who loved everything Talbots and wanted a sweet demure little girl who would let her put ribbons in her hair I did feel like a bit of a disappointment.
Toddler Sara. I'm here to tell you that I'm entertained by how much you wanted to move and be free from dresses that prevented crawling. I kind of wish I could go back and have our two selves meet. I think we'd have some fun and I'm sure we would both hike the dresses up and do what we wanted! And just so you know, lots of little girls would have LOVED the canopy bed! So you really were being spoiled, you were just looking at it from a different perspective. Finally, I have one more thing to tell you.
Do you remember the day you slept in and when you woke up there was no one else upstairs? You were only 18 months old according to mom. I can remember what we saw when you stood on the landing looking down the lime green colored stairs. You felt so alone. Like everyone had left you. And your dad didn't even kiss you goodbye. This is the earlies memory i have of us, did you know that? I can't really remember what that house in Concord, MA looked like but I can remember what it looked like from the top of the stairs. You woke up, realized you were alone and just stood there crying. Mom tried to comfort you but you still were pretty messed up from it. Well, I guess I can see where maybe some of your fears of abandonment came from, huh? Are we really afraid of being abandonded? Huh. Something to think about. I'll have to chat with the 4 year old Sara next and see what she thinks.
I'm going to go and do some very grown up things now. (Dishes, laundry, etc.) But it's your bedtime and I'm going to hook you up with some bunk beds. And pajamas with the feet. I always did love those. Sweet dreams toddler Sara.