It's been too long since I've checked in and although I've had so many things I've wanted to write about I just haven't taken the time. Which is why this post about free will is totally appropriate. Often when I do readings the messages I have for the person are also very relevent to my life. Not always, thank goodness, but here and there when I'm not listening I am given another opportunity through someones messages. Today I got one of those messages and I'm doing my best to listen.
First of all, what is free will? It's our ability to change the outcome of any of our situations. It's a great thing and it's a frustrating thing to have. I know if I can let go of anger and focus on me and my inner peace, I will be rewarded with the time and resources to do what I love. What I love is helping others figure all this stuff out, writing books, going to the ocean with loved ones, presenting on stage to engaged audiences, telling the world about all this "stuff" and having it want to know more! Being with my son and having the luxury of time and money to do what we want because we can. How great is that?!
In teaching people I also get to learn from them. Yesterday a friend of mine did a quick reading on me. She said, "Woah, you have a lot of anger! I'd hate to be feeling all of that! Why don't you just let it go?" So simple to say, right? She is right. My neck has been hurting, my shoulders are carrying it all and I've reached my breaking point. It is time to let it go or it will cause me more harm and keep me in physical pain as well as emotionally stagnant or perhaps even deteoriating. At this point in the conversation my mother decided to use her voice (from the other side) and let me have it. "Why aren't you listening? I'm trying so hard to get your attention and you're ignoring me! I'm throwing things around in the kitchen and you're STILL not listening! Why? Don't you want to be happy? It's all right here for you, just LISTEN!" She's right. She has been knocking things off counters, shelves, cabinets and I'm blowing through light bulbs and watches again. I hear her and I use my free will to ignore my life lessons and self sabotage. How ridiculous and frustrating to KNOW I'm doing it yet I chose to continue on this path. Why? I have to learn to let go. What if I get it? What if I get all that I'm asking for? My life will change, and I ready? What if I lose it all? What if I'm not deserving? What if... what if.... I could go on for days.
Here's what I know. I am worthy of receiving all that I want, and I am number one in my life. I am able to let go of anger and it's very obvious I have my mother in my corner. She even brought in my great grandfather, Gramps, a few weeks ago and I didn't even listen to him! One day I kept smelling cologne and I loved it. I loved it to the point that I rubbed the mens cologne on my wrists when I found it in a magazine. Felt a little funny but I smelled fabulous that day! My friend Terri pointed out that my mom was calling in the big guns and I was still resisting. I wasn't ready to listen two weeks ago, but yesterday she had my attention. So now what?
We hung up and shortly after she sent me a message she had received from my mother. "Sit down and write on paper what is making you frustrated, angry, sad, anything. Write it ALL down. Look at it. Your lesson will be right in front of you. You wil come to a better understanding of what you need, want, etc. Then burn it. Let the smoke release your negative thought and energy. Love, your mom." Last night it was about 11:30pm when I finally had the time to do the exercise. Or do the work, I guess. I started writing. And it flew out of me. I did see the pattern in the first three lines. I've always felt like number two. My younger brother was always son number one and I was always "babes." Both loved, but I wasn't number one. There were times I didn't feel protected, that I felt like I had to take care of people and I didn't want to. I resented that. I hate the way some people have treated me and I've hated it even more that I've invited it, looked for it and let it happen. I still hate it even as I say it again. Phew! The point is I hated a lot, I'm sad about a lot, I'm frustrated and I got it all out. Most of it out. I got out all that came to mind in the middle of the night. I said good bye to people, places, experiences, thought patterns and beliefs.
And then I burned it in my kitchen sink. While hoping I was strong enough and willing to let it go. And that I wasn't about to burn my house down while buring things that I hated, because that would suck and I'd hate that, too. Then I went to bed. This morning I woke up at 7am, then dozed back off. I had a dream I said goody bye to a good friend that touched my heart but could be my huge lesson in letting go. Am I ready to do that? I am. My heart aches again as I see the scene, but I got to have my say, they got to say theirs and I said good bye. I'm not sharing much of the dream because it's my story and I want to keep it mine, but I will tell you that at the end of the dream I walked away from them. There were no lights in the room and it was getting dark. I asked them to shine their light my way so I could get mine, and I found my head lamp (yeah, I'm an outdoorsy kind of girl and it was a head lamp), they walked away and I was ble to light my own way. There was a little black stone beside it and I put it in my pocket. It happens to be one I have on my bureau and as soon as I'm done it's going in my pocket to remind me that I am strong enough and it is time for me to let go. I have free will, and I am chosing to do this. For me. For Zach. Because I can. And I'm worthy. I'm number one, did I tell you that? To me I am. In my life I am.
To those who got scorched in the sink last night, I hope I set you free as well. I see the beauty in the lessons and have released the pain that I carried as reminders of some of them. My heart is still aching slightly but I'm going to look at it as if it's just growing and swelling from the love that's been placed in it, and that its about to pulse with power and intention. Beauty and love. Strength and kindness. Compassion and forgiveness. I can feel my mom around me. She's proud. She's stronger than me right now, but I'm taking it all in. Thanks Ma. I'm ready.
As I was on the phone bragging to my friend about how I think I got it, I opened my cabinet to get a coffee filter. There on top of the chicken boullion was a $100 bill. I can't make this stuff up. I have no idea how it got there, since my house has been locked even when I've been in it. I don't typically have them lying around and if I did I'm pretty sure I woudn't have put it in the cabinet for safe keeping. I am, however, pretty sure the universe gave me an undeniable sign that I'm heading in the right direction and am already reaping the rewards of executing my free will to let go and get it! Yee haw! Just in case it was a byproduct of things reproducing in my cabinet I'm going to pick up more boullion at the store. Just in case.