Today marks the day that 15 years ago my mother died. She was only 56, so when I think of her she's young and vibrant with her great smile and silly sense of humor. I am becoming my mother and that makes me proud! She did a pretty good job (exhibit A is telling you this) and I'm so glad she got to get out of this life and relax on the other side. Do I miss her? Yup. More than anything. Would I change things and redo that day that she died? Nope. That day had a monumental impact on me, my father, brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, her friends, colleagues, the town, the community, and everyone I share the story with. So no, I wouldn't change it. Not even to tell her I loved her and to say goodbye. I'd be doing that for me, not her, and I'm at peace with the way things are.
Sitting at the bus stop at 8:30 this morning I absent mindedly mentioned to Z, who is now nine and a half, that around this time Grammy Mary Ellen pretty much died. Not sure what made me phrase it like that, because of course he asked what I meant by "pretty much." See, she was hit by a car on her morning walk at 7am. I told him she really died the second she was hit, but that the paramedics job is to keep her heart beating and oxygen flowing until the doctor can try to save her. He gave this some thought. I told him that her spirit was already in heaven, but by noon gramps had to help her body go. And that they had to pull the plug. Ugh. What the hell made me SAY that?! "Gramps had to pull the plug?" Well, no. Gramps had to say it was ok for the doctors to turn off the machines that were keeping her alive. Silence.
Then all of a sudden my car got really "full" of energy. Mom had shown up and was sitting there in the back seat with Z. I know when my intuitive child is aware of energy around him, because if they're familiar to him he gets really quiet. If you know my son, you know this is NOT normal for him! In my head I said "Hi ma." Let me tell you, she was pretty excited to be part of the morning routine today! I heard her say (in my head)
"SA! This is so much fun! Can we go get ice cream today?!"
My mother LOVED ice cream, and although I had thought about maybe getting us a cupcake or something to celebrate her life, ice cream never crossed my mind. I told Z she wanted us to get one and got a "Ya, sure." That part was outloud from Z. LOL! Funny that I have to differentiate between the out loud and the witchy chatter in my head. He snapped out of the zone he was in, looked to see if I was crying (I wasn't) and he got out and hopped on the bus.
15 years is a long ass time to be without you real mother physcially present in your life. As much as I say June 5th doesn't bother me, sometimes it does. It does when I think about it or let it. I prefer to look at it as her graduation day and the day that my path shifted, leading me ultimately to where I am today. Every day I am grateful, although I think it's fair to say it's been one hell of a ride.