|Posted by Sara Moore on June 5, 2015 at 11:10 AM||comments (2)|
Today marks the day that 15 years ago my mother died. She was only 56, so when I think of her she's young and vibrant with her great smile and silly sense of humor. I am becoming my mother and that makes me proud! She did a pretty good job (exhibit A is telling you this) and I'm so glad she got to get out of this life and relax on the other side. Do I miss her? Yup. More than anything. Would I change things and redo that day that she died? Nope. That day had a monumental impact on me, my father, brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, her friends, colleagues, the town, the community, and everyone I share the story with. So no, I wouldn't change it. Not even to tell her I loved her and to say goodbye. I'd be doing that for me, not her, and I'm at peace with the way things are.
Sitting at the bus stop at 8:30 this morning I absent mindedly mentioned to Z, who is now nine and a half, that around this time Grammy Mary Ellen pretty much died. Not sure what made me phrase it like that, because of course he asked what I meant by "pretty much." See, she was hit by a car on her morning walk at 7am. I told him she really died the second she was hit, but that the paramedics job is to keep her heart beating and oxygen flowing until the doctor can try to save her. He gave this some thought. I told him that her spirit was already in heaven, but by noon gramps had to help her body go. And that they had to pull the plug. Ugh. What the hell made me SAY that?! "Gramps had to pull the plug?" Well, no. Gramps had to say it was ok for the doctors to turn off the machines that were keeping her alive. Silence.
Then all of a sudden my car got really "full" of energy. Mom had shown up and was sitting there in the back seat with Z. I know when my intuitive child is aware of energy around him, because if they're familiar to him he gets really quiet. If you know my son, you know this is NOT normal for him! In my head I said "Hi ma." Let me tell you, she was pretty excited to be part of the morning routine today! I heard her say (in my head)
"SA! This is so much fun! Can we go get ice cream today?!"
My mother LOVED ice cream, and although I had thought about maybe getting us a cupcake or something to celebrate her life, ice cream never crossed my mind. I told Z she wanted us to get one and got a "Ya, sure." That part was outloud from Z. LOL! Funny that I have to differentiate between the out loud and the witchy chatter in my head. He snapped out of the zone he was in, looked to see if I was crying (I wasn't) and he got out and hopped on the bus.
15 years is a long ass time to be without you real mother physcially present in your life. As much as I say June 5th doesn't bother me, sometimes it does. It does when I think about it or let it. I prefer to look at it as her graduation day and the day that my path shifted, leading me ultimately to where I am today. Every day I am grateful, although I think it's fair to say it's been one hell of a ride.
|Posted by Sara Moore on May 29, 2015 at 10:50 AM||comments (0)|
Today I did a really amazing reading with someone who has seen me face to face and had a phone reading before. She asked about her dogs, and then who was around her. You know who showed up to chat? God. Yup. The big guy. Now those of you who know me will agree that I'm not a preacher by any means, I was raised Catholic and it just didn't do it for me, and up until about 12 years ago I would have argued that the whole God thing is a great story but in my mind it was a bit of a crock. I still believe that some formal religion is used for power and control established through fear, but today I have a different perspective on the whole thing. And I have seen God. He has come to people while I've done energy work on them and every now and then he shows up in a reading to have a heart to heart with someone.
Towards the end of the reading someone else "showed up" by making my left ear ring and almost go deaf. It was her grandfather on her fathers side, someone she said she never knew. So why would he be around? I told her that my great grandfather on my fathers side is the only grandfather figure I knew. After my divorce and when I was trying to get my life back on track, I'd smell tobacco smoke in the downstairs guest room. Which is also where the hope chest he made my grandmother is.... It was him and my psychic friends (yup, perk of the job) chatted with him he just wanted me to know he was proud and that I was on track. He was sort of hanging out, letting me know I'm not alone and that he's here to help or support me energetically.
After telling her all that she said she had been smelling smoke, too! See how that works? When I have this urge to tell you something about me, it's usually because it's also about you. She asked again why he was there and this is the part I find fascinating. He said because he never knew her in this lifetime he got to visit her and be free of other people's views of her, her own views of herself, and simply enjoy her for who her soul really is. Her essence. And when he was alive he had to behave, stay clean and in his suit and uphold a certain image. When he was energetically sitting beside her as she drove, he could feel playful and get the car dusty and be free! She could get an ice cream and if it dripped on her shirt no one "reprimanded" her. He enjoyed that and is just making some visits.
So. You may have people around you that you wouldn't expect. They see you for the light being that you are, and not the person buried in layers of judgement or unfulfilled expectations. They're viewing you from a no judement zone. Pretty cool, huh?
|Posted by Sara Moore on May 26, 2015 at 1:15 PM||comments (0)|
I had an interesting reading this morning with a woman who had lost a friend recently. She wanted reassurance that she was alright, although she knew deep down that she was. But there was that sense of not really knowing what happens when you die that left a tinge of fear. Here's how it was explained to her.
Everything we do gets written down on a huge white dry erase board. Lots of people fear that when they get to the pearly gates or face "God" he's going to judge them based on what's on this board. Instead, imagine if that board gets totally wiped clean and then it's up to YOU to write the big things that need to be addressed. You won't be in this physical shell, you won't have ego or pressure to list the "right" answer. You will simply be asked what were the biggies that need to be processed a little more for your soul to acknowledge the lessons learned in this lifetime. What happens after that is not for you to worry about right now.
I have my own beliefs on what happens, or how karma works. But sit with the thought of the dry erase board. What would you put on it? What do you want to erase? How can you find peace with that right now?
|Posted by Sara Moore on May 18, 2015 at 3:30 PM||comments (1)|
You know those moments, days or years when you get stuck on something or someone and you justs can't seem to let it or them go? Well, I had one last week. And to be honest, it really just flat out pissed me off. Why is life so hard some times? I KNOW that things happen for a reason. I KNOW timing can make or break a situation. I KNOW that it all works out exactly as it should, but dammit sometimes that just sucks and all the knowing in the world doesn't make it any easier when you're the one living it.
I was having a very human experience and it made me sad, angry, frustrated and irritated. So I went through a few tissues, reflected back on all that I've been through, and decided I was going to take a shower and wash off all that old stuff. Sounds so simple, huh? In the shower I had a converstation (out loud, and speaking to their higher self because there were just some things I had to say to get out of me) with the players involved. It felt a little better and I turned the water just a little hotter to make sure I was fully present. I was. I had to turn it down before I scalded myself.
Then I smiled when I realized that all of these things I've been going through haven't broken me. I may be a bit guarded these days, but someone reminded me that I have allowed my heart to open more than I ever thought possible these past few years. And it's true. I had a pretty good wall up with sharp shooters guarding the gate since college and only recenlty have I let them go on leave.
So then I listed out the qualities I want to invite into my life. Both from people, a partner, etc. All of it. It was quite a list! Honorability, honesty, integrity, love, passion, available, secure, playful, romantic (oh! that wasn't on it but I'm adding it now!), assuredness, etc. I can't even think of everything I said, but it took a little bit for me to get it all out. And then I let the water flow over my head, down my body, and down the drain. I visualized it being sent out to the universe to hear and accept my wishes.
That night I had the most intense dreams. I dreamt that I was painting a red heart on a small stone, but that the color quickly turned to a thick and delicious yellow. I was surprised, but I commented that I guess I was standing in my power and it felt good. Then I went to take a picture of it and I accidentally sent it to 1,017 of my contacts. I don't think I even know that many people, but I do in dreamland apparently! I panicked for a moment because I didn't want everyone to see it, and then I thought, Oh NO! There's no taking that back! But then it felt ok. I was proud of my little rock with my yellow heart on it.
Then I was in the basement of a houseI was temporarily living in. I was aware that there was only one window in my bedroom down there, and that if I closed it I'd be too hot and there'd be no breeze. But that if I left my window open people could get in if they wanted to. I decided to leave it open because I really felt safe. See? See? Are you following this?! Fascinating!
And then, before I woke up, I had another dream. For some reason all the furniture was out of my house and was airing out on the lawn. I thought, what a perfect time to vacuum before I bring it all back in. To have a fresh start. But when I started vacuuming, all this used kitty litter showed up. It was really gross and I had to vacuum paths through it so that I could avoid getting it on my bare feet. I had to clean the thing out or twice because there was so much of it. But I got it all by the end. So gross. I think that just means I had a lot of shit to get rid of?
There were more dreams but those are the ones that seem relevant to the exercise in the shower. My slate has been cleared. I have been reminded that I am strong. And that I am standing in my power. And I am grateful to all of those people and experiences that have got me to here. Maybe someday I'll even thank some of them personally. But not today. Today I'm still negotiating with my human free will and wraping my head around all this!
|Posted by Sara Moore on May 14, 2015 at 11:45 AM||comments (1)|
I really enjoyed pulling cards for you yesterday, so I'm doing it again today. I debated what to ask and finally settled on two questions. What have you forgotten about who you are and what are you capable of when you fully surrender?
I will tell you that as I tried to shuffle this deck, which is one of the more "witchy" ones I use, I had a really hard time phrasing the question until it felt right, and twice I dropped about half the deck. That just tells me that I'm not asking it correctly and that maybe I was using the wrong cards. But I felt that they were the right ones and these two "jumped."
What have you forgotten about who you are? See the light on his chest, forehead, top of his head and radiating down? That light is there and available for you. There's the very human-ness in this picture. But we are all made of energy, and we are being reminded to let that shine. What are you fully capable of if you fully surrender? And what the heck do I mean by that? What if you remembered that we are all energy, light, source, God, and that it is within all of us but also surrounds all of us. Our untapped potential exists. Our light can shine from within and radiate to all corners of this lifetime and beyond.
To me, the second card is what we would look like if we got energetically naked. No more body or life experiences to muddle us up.
What do you see in them?
|Posted by Sara Moore on May 13, 2015 at 10:30 AM||comments (0)|
Quite often I get asked if I read cards. Yes. But not the way a traditional Tarot reader does. My psychic sense directs me more than the true interpretation of the card. Meaning I don't have a set meaning for what a certain suit or number means every time I pull it. The same card can have very different meanings to me, but will be totally appropriate and "decodable" for your given situation and question.
I'm going to use my Housewife Tarot deck (which are absolutely hysterical and awesome) to ask for an overall indication of how I am in my life at this moment. The seven of pentacles card just jumped out as I was shuffling. (I took a picture of it with this blog in the background so you know I didn't rig it) I love it! It's an image of a woman wearing a sun hat, which I like to wear, surrounded by blooming gardens and a tree filled with pentacles. To me this image represents that I am enjoying the fruits of my labor, so to speak, and that I even have enough flowers to cut some and put them in my basket. I am on the right track and I kind of do feel as relaxed as the woman in the image! Looking at her, it kind of looks like me a little. Thanks cards!
Let me ask a question for you. I'm going to use my fairy cards. What do you need to know about your current situation? Follow your dreams. Ok..... There's a lot going on in this card and I want you to read it for yourself. There are three angels around a sleeping mother fairy. A dove of freedom is flying away. What are you letting go of? Or what messages have you been sending up to the heavens? They're being relayed. The great blue heron is such a powerful animal totem for me. I see them as validators for me, indicating that I'm exaclty where I should be. There is the white butterfly down below in the darkness, trying to rasie up to the light that surrounds the fairy woman. Roses represent my mom to me, so to ME it also means she's with me.
So what does it mean to you? I will admit that one little angel or fairy creeps me out a bit. LOL! I love the message of the card, though. Anyone can learn to read cards. I'm actually teaching a class on it April 29th from 6-7:30pm. I've had fun with this post and will try to pull more cards for you this week!
|Posted by Sara Moore on May 12, 2015 at 10:25 AM||comments (0)|
Spring is a really good time to take inventory of your current situation. Not the past, not what you're going to have tomorrow, but what's in your closets today. Those closets could be literal or figurative. What do you have? Think about it.
Love? Anger? Joy? Peace? Financial Security? Family? Time off? Fun? Stress? Pain? Relief? Faith? Abunance? Resentment? Success?
This list could go on and on, but these are some of the first words that popped up for me. Which words or emotions do you want to keep there? Which ones do you hate to see on the list? And then ask yourself, why are they there? Everything we have on our shelves/closets/mind are serving some purpose. For example, some people who like to live in total chaos use that as an excuse to prevent them from really dealing with some other issues in their lives. So chaos is serving a purpose. But it may not be in their best interest.
So today, take some time to think about this exercise. Make a list of what you have at this very moment on your shelves. Then circle the ones you want to keep, or the things you know are in your best interest. Then have an honest dialog with yourself about why the "negative" things are still there. Why are they there? It could simply be because it's familiar to you and you've always had them. Do they need to stay? What does it look like to reduce or eliminate them? What are you going to put in their place?
I'm not asking you to make enormous changes in one day. But once you have identified the "clutter" or "expired product" you can make room for what makes you feel vibrant and alive. Then you can proceed with finding a way to make this happen. Remember to ask your higher power or your guides or loved ones in heaven to help this process unfold.
|Posted by Sara Moore on May 11, 2015 at 10:05 AM||comments (0)|
Yesterdays post is a good lead in to chat about expectations. Some part of me has this expectation that my son should want to put a worm on a hook and enjoy all the boyness of the act. When I was his age I hated touching the squirmy things so it seems odd that I would think he'd like it. So are my expectations that my 9 year old son (who hates getting really dirty) will do this on his own perhaps unrealistic? Yes. Yesterday when we went fishing I told him that he HAD to try at least holding a worm and hopefully get it on a hook. I was frustrated and grumpy. Which made him frustrated and grumpy. After working all angles to get him to try it, he got as far as touching the worm while I was holding it. Some would say this was progress. In the moment, I saw this as simply frustrating.
Why was it even a big deal? Well, every time I'd cast and start to enjoy fishing I'd have to stop and help him. It was terribly annoying. UNTIL I said, Screw It, I don't need to fish and I will find joy in WATCHING him fish. You know what? As soon as I shifted my expectations (or more importantly let them go), he caught a decent size bass and the worms miraculously started staying on his hook. Even better: we had fun. Who knew, huh? Bottom line is I have no idea when he'll figure out how to fish on his own. If he doesn't, it'll still fun to be able to spend time with him. My expectations were setting us both up to fail. And man did we ever fail.
How many times do your expectations for someone result in disappointment? I can honestly say it is happening less frequently to me now that I'm becoming more aware of it. There are some people that I just have to accept for who they are and not be so fully invested in how I may perceive their choices are negatively affecting them. I do get frustrated with people who I feel have more potential than what they're realizing, but it's their choice. Who the hell am I to judge them for that?! So I'm working on being present with no expectations.
Yesterday Z and I ended mother's day by getting an ice cream in North Conway right across from the Scenic Vista rest area. It's quite beautiful and we could see Mount Washington through a layer of foggy clouds. Sitting peacefully beside my boy, I watched as a hawk started circling up, higher and higher, riding the wind. Hawks are so symblic for me because they remind me that we can shift our perspective and see things from above. Sometimes street view can be muddled. But when you rise up you can see the other circumstances or players that may be affecting a given situation. It can also be a good way to check back in with your expectations of a situation and evaluate if perhaps they are unfair, unrealistic or simply no longer necessary.
|Posted by Sara Moore on May 10, 2015 at 8:10 AM||comments (0)|
Now if you could hear the sarcasm lacing the title "Mother's Day" you would know right away this isn't going to be a warm and fuzzy post about how the joys of motherhood are all wrapped up into this one day. And no, breakfast was not served to me in bed this morning. I actually had to toast my son's waffles (home made pumpkin spice ones I made and had in the freezer) and hand it to him while he sat on the couch watching mind numbing tv. After I type this, I'm driving him to a store to buy sandals because he cut his foot while we were fishing yesterday. We went twice. Once in the morning, once in the evening until the black flies chased us out. I baited all the hooks with live worms and took off the 9 fish he caught. They were little and luckily they were easy to release. So we're going fishing after buying sandals, and before I take him to baseball practice at 4pm.
I'm reading posts on facebook about how some of my mom friends have been served breakfast in bed. And how they get flowers or mimosas, and are really honored for their momness. My son has known two houses: Moms and dads, since he was 18 months old. He has never seen me get doted on, and I would say the only huge failure in the divorce was not really teaching him to resepct all that I (and we) do for him. There's a sense of entitlement. And it drives me fucking nuts. I can compare it to getting fat. You start with a pound here or there, which goes unnoticed. And then all of a sudden you're up 12 pounds and you wonder how the hell that happened? Of course, being mostly single since the divorce I haven't really given myself the benefit of having a person in the mix that would dote on me and teach him how to step up and be more helpful.
I know that Z is a loving child. He is the most bizarre and awesome kid I know, and I'm so psyched to be his mom. This morning I told him that one of my work trips was postponed because the woman I was going with has to stay with her father, who is dying. Know what he said? "I'm sorry. I'm really sad for her." From a nine year old. The same nine year old who didn't like what I proposed for dinner and when I threw my hands up and forfeited parenting for the night he actually said "Shut up." So at 7:18pm I was showered and in bed while he tried to figure out how to toast a bagel and feed himself. He burned his finger in the process and I looked at it, told him he was going to live, and rolled over and fell asleep. It just didn't quite seem fair that this was how my mothers day weekend was going.
And then, you can add on that my mother is dead. It'll be 15 years June 5th. I missed out on telling her I was pregnant, seeing her hold her grandson for the first time, and to call her to tell her how much I miss and love her. Normally I'm ok with her being gone, but tears are streaming down my cheeks as I write this I guess today I'm not. Of couse, if she hadn't died when and how she did I'd still probably be working at some corporate job I hated and in an unsatisfying marriage. So I get it. But today it just hurts.
So. Do I feel any better now that I've gotten this out? A little. Do I hope that Z magically "gets" that Mother's day should be every day? Yup. And when I hit post and get up to tell him we're going to get him some sandals and more worms, will he remember to bring his plate to the sink? Doubtful. Do I love him more than anything? Yes. Undoubtedly. Will I bait his hooks today with wiggly worms? Yes. Will I sneak hugs every chance because I know someday he'll be too cool? Absolutely. Will I get over last nights hellish ending? Yes. But that may take a second cup of coffee and a walk.
Oh my god. A mother's day mircale just happened!!!!
Zachary just walked into the kitchen, put his plate in the sink and got himself some popcorn. He didn't ask me to get it for him, he happily reminded me that the huge large mouth bass are especially hungry on mohters day and that we really do need to take a picture of us with it when he catches it. Maybe I'm not doing so bad after all.
|Posted by Sara Moore on April 27, 2015 at 3:05 PM||comments (1)|
Two weeks ago I got the crud that has been going around. It started with the chills, then my skin hurt (if you've had it you know exactly what I'm talking about), my body then purged itself, then it progressed to an annoying cough before settling into my sinuses. After 10 days I was on antibiotics and two weeks later I'm still dragging a bit.
While I was laying in bed wishing I had someone to bring me a cold facecloth and maybe some soup I figured since my body was dumping things out it was a good time to do some active purging on my part, too. I started with my phone and cleaned out all the old numbers. Some were from old friends, past loves or love interests, old business contacts and a few people who've crossed over. Except for my friend Pete, who died a few years ago. I just like seeing his name in my phone and I felt the need to keep him. I definitely culled the list pretty well!
Why the heck hadn't I done this sooner? I don't know. Because maybe I was hoping some of them would call me? Or because they represented a part of my life that is now my history? I have no idea. Because I had never taken the time is probably the most honest answer. I know I've come a long way from even five years ago. Getting sick and being forced to rest has been exceptionally frustrating for me, but I did my best to honor what my body was asking me to do.
I'm looking at this fresh start as an opportunity to get stronger, healthier, happier and to make space for the people I want in my life. I'm chuckling because I don't really have a list of those people, but I do have the qualitites I want to surround myself with. Honorability, joy, faith and faithfulness, respect, loving, generous, playful, wise. Grounded. Inspiried. Healthy. Active. Motivated. Fun.
I'm hoping you have been healthy and crud free! Even if you have I'd recommend purging your contacts. It feels really good!