Me and Z, 2009
I'm sitting here with my crazy cat taking up the majority of the table and leaving me to contort myself to actually be able to write. I'm ok with it but please excuse typos!
It's been a while since I've felt the need to write, and the urge just hit me. The only problem is I'm not really sure what it is I need to write about. So I'll start by telling you what's been going on. I am leading a course on Letting Go of the Past to Make Room for the Present with the amazing Chelsea Latham of Tula Vida Health. We're three days into it and I've been doing the exercises myself since I'm aware I'm still carrying some pretty heavy baggage. Last night I was finishing up some work and found myself clearning out old photos on my laptop. With the ability to take millions of pictures, I've cluttered up my computer with probably 1/2 a million that I would have tossed if they were taken the old fashioned way. Maybe even more!
The interesting thing that comes with going through old photos is seeing yourself in various stages, with different people and in all the places you've chosen to visit. What do you do with the ones of people you no longer talk to? Keep them? What if you really have no desire to talk with them again? That was an interesting delima. Well, what if we mend fences and reconnect down the road? Will I want to share those photos with them? I decided no. There were a handful of pictures of me taken at a time that I'd rather find some closure with.
Then I had the whole guilt thing, of well, it is my past, shouldn't I keep them? To answer that you have to ask why WOULD you keep them? Well, it is my past. Some of it was good. Some of it wasn't so good. Some of it is better in my past. Can I look at those pictures with gratitude for what those memories contributed to who I am today? I was actually able to do that. Delete. Delete, delete, delete!! That felt pretty damn good.
The cool part about going through old photos is also seeing yourself in various stages, with different people and in al the places you've chosen to visit. Wait, what? It's true. I got to see pictures of my son when he was a baby. I have yearly selfies of me and my son that could be blended in some high tech format like an age progression, because we're always in the same silly poses. Not just one, either. Apparently every single year we lay down in the snow and I hold the camera up to photograph us cheek to cheek. Every year, Z munches a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while lazily staring across Crystal Lake in Eaton, NH and I take his picture. Every fall he helps me rake leaves (I use the word help loosely) and I document it just so I can hide it in my laptop.
Does that make much sense? I just chuckled as I typed that. This year I'm going to create a photo album with some of the best pictures I have. Which means I get to go through them AGAIN and really "feel" them. This time I'm choosing to do it and looking forward to it! After all, I was there and am pretty happy to have made it to here.